November 2012

They say the older you get the faster time passes by, and boy they’re not kidding. Before I knew it way too many years have passed and this site hadn't been updated. As you can figure a lot has happened, so here goes.

First, the serious side of what’s been going on. July 13th, 2012 was the twelve year anniversary since my injury. More then 12 years have gone by and yet I still don’t always accept my injury or my disabilities. For me, accepting that my brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s does has caused me to constantly test my limits. In some ways that can be a good thing and help you improve, but when you constantly compare or test your ability to be like everyone else, it’s a test that normally fails…. I am 12 years post injury and life goes on, but I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Now on to the good news! The most amazing dog and best friend a person could have, came to live with me. Luke, a big yellow lab, used to belong to Joe, a friend of mine, but because of Joe’s work schedule Luke was home alone a lot. Joe decided it wasn’t fair to Luke, and he asked me if I would like to have him. Luke and I already had a great relationship because I used to go over and play with him when Joe was at work so the answer was easy, YES. Luke came to live with us in my parent’s house…..but in June 2009, we moved into our own home. Yup you heard me right, I bought a house! There were a lot of factors that made this possible, but the main one was due to the crash of the housing market. A house, close to my parent’s house went into foreclosure. Sad for the people that lived there, but it became the perfect opportunity for me to move into my own home and still have support close by, if I need it. It took some getting used to and it doesn’t come easy, because at times it’s kind of lonely and it’s a lot of work, but being in my own home is great! Initially there was painting and decorating, something I knew nothing about. Shoot if it had been left up to me, every room would have been decorated with military & sports memorabilia, but with a little help and shopping tips from my parents, my house is now a home, and truly a reflection of my personality. I stay pretty busy with house cleaning, yard work……..and taking care of my ZOO! Yes I have a ZOO, my dog Luke, a dragon lizard, and an aquarium full of fish.

As you probably already know, sports have been a big part of my life, both pre and post injury, and in the years since my injury I have participated in many adaptive sporting events. Using a hand-cycle I have cycled in; numerous marathons, and long distance rides. I have also participated in adaptive sporting events at Lakeshore Center, and the Disabled Veterans Winter Sports Clinic. In the Summer of 2011 I had a chance to go to the Disabled Veterans Summer Sports Clinic in San Diego....wow was that a blast! I went surfing for the first time, sailing, kayaking and we spent one day at the U.S. Olympic Training Center in Chula Vista. Last March (2012) my Mom & I also went out to Snowmass for our 10th time attending the Disabled Veterans Winter Sports Clinic. Those are all great events that introduce people to different sports, yet they are often far away from home and most are only held once a year. Besides that, another problem with big events is they are often very over stimulating, which can really be a problem for someone with a brain injury. Every time I've traveled to one of these big events, the lack of sleep, crowded airports, cognitive deficits, and change of daily routine takes it's toll me. Sometimes, it takes weeks (or months) to get back to "normal". Some of these events I will continue to go to, like the WSC, but I realized I needed to be more physical and actively involved on a regular basis. I can’t just sit around waiting for the next adaptive sporting event.

With the help of my long time friend, Joe, I got more involved in hiking. It really seemed to suit me in many ways; its outdoors, physically challenging, and yet more individualized so I can go at my own pace, without feeling overwhelmed or like I have to compete. My most challenging hike, so far, was in July 2011. Joe & I covered 20 miles, over 4 days, of the Appalachian Trail in Northern Georgia / Southern North Carolina. It's amazing, I used to think nothing of carrying an 80 pound rucksack, but I’m not that person anymore and 2 pounds can make the world of difference when backpacking in the mountains! Although I managed the rough terrain, the downhill parts of it kicked my ass! Some of the problem was due to the increased tone in my left side, but the area that we hiked was very mountainous and for the best part meant hiking up 2 miles, and then 4 miles down. Trust me that kind of terrain can be challenging for anyone to hike. Joe & I were making plans to do more of the Appalachian Trail, but then the unexpected happened. Joe moved to North Dakota! Most would say, that's not a big deal, but to me it is a very big deal! It's really hard not only find people I relate to, but to find ones that enjoy the same things I do. And let's face it, developing meaningful friendships isn't always easy for anyone. Losing a good friend was pretty depressing for a while. Not that I saw Joe all the time, before he moved, but he is one of the few who really understands me and it meant we wouldn't be hanging out or making plans for weekend hikes anymore. I have no idea when or if Joe & I will get together again for another long hike, but the trip to the Appalachian Trail proved I needed to increase my endurance and get in better shape. I joined a local gym in November 2011, and have been working out on a regular basis ever since then.

On June 2nd, of this year (2012), something pretty spectacular happened. I was invited to a local surf clinic in Navarre Beach held by Wounded Warrior Project. What an amazing day! I've always loved the beach and I take long walks on it frequently, but I have been somewhat fearful of being in the water since my injury. On that day everything changed, and now I have NO FEAR of being back in the water. I have also proved to myself that surfing is something I can do...and I can do it here, at home! Besides that I met the most amazing group of people. They are not just surf buddies, they are friends who want to see me succeed. I also ended up being chosen to participate in a WWP Surf Warriors competition, in Va Beach. Dang the ocean is cold, but that a great week-end! 

Even more recently I've gotten involved with an organization called The Leaning Post. I'm not only going to learn to ride horses myself, I'm volunteering and helping with their programs that serve at risk teens and children with disabilities. I've only been out there a couple times so far, and I can't get on a horse until my doctor signs off on a physical, but so far I think this is going to be a great way to feel (and be) productive.

PHYSICAL: There are actually very few things I can’t do physically. Most of my physical problems no one even notices, until I get stressed or it’s a complex activity, like running. That’s when the shaking starts and the increased tone still kicks in! Yet even this many years after my injury, I still see improvement, my legs are much stronger and when I’m totally relaxed I can actually jog now! Since my injury, I have always had the feeling that my brain was racing. I would try to control things myself, but as you can figure that made things even worse. Medications were also prescribed in an attempt to stop the roller coaster, but ironically it turns out some of the medications that were supposed to help me caused other problems and some were actually killing me. I talked about some of those medication problems in my last update, but the full scope of what was going on didn’t really become apparent until May of 2010 when a series of events caused me to fall apart completely. I won’t go into all the details, but I ended up being admitted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, MD, for 3 months. I was under the care of a doctor who specializes in TBI / Psychological health, and he finally got to the root of my problems. During that admission it was determined that not only had the chemistry in my brain changed and caused serious issues, but that I am hyper sensitive to most medications. I’ve since been readmitted a couple times for medication adjustments, but I’m finally doing pretty well.

VISION: You'll notice in some of the pictures, NO more glasses! My eyes had reached a point in which they were going to get any better, so I was cleared to get Lasik surgery. Anyone who says Lasik is easy is nuts, cause it hurt like hell, but I'm really happy I got it done. Not only can I see a lot better, I no longer have to worry about losing anymore glasses! Well I still lose and break sunglasses, but they're not nearly as expensive! 

COGNITIVE: People often look at the date of an injury and expect that there should be a time of recovery and then everything should be all better. For many injuries that is true, but for a brain injury there is NO point in which everything is ALL better. Some things I’ve learned to accept and compensate for, but there are other things that haunt me because they just never seem to get any better. I doubt anyone really thinks about these things, because just like a computer, no one really cares how it works until it doesn’t work the way it’s suppose to. A lot of my injury was in the frontal lobe, and that’s the area of the brain that controls executive function and personality. Executive function is a term for cognitive processes such as planning, memory, attention, problem solving, verbal reasoning, inhibition, mental flexibility, multi-tasking, initiation and monitoring of actions. To give you a few examples of how this affects me; my perceptions are highly intuitive, yet sometimes 'off'. I’m not too sure if it’s because I’m overly sensitive, but it’s been brought to my attention that how I ‘read’ a person or situation can be somewhat distorted. Then, based on what I have perceived, my reaction can be inappropriate to the situation. Not that I’m making excuses, but people judge the behavior and rarely understand the reasoning. MY DAY(s): My days are mostly filled with taking care of my Zoo and my home. I also spend a lot of time at the gym and probably more hours then I should on Facebook, and playing Slot-o-mania. Week-ends and some afternoons, you'll find me at the beach surfing or in front of the TV watching sports, and more recently out at the "ranch". By the way, don't think for one minute I'm heading towards being a 'redneck'. Not that there is anything wrong with them, it's just not me!

EMOTIONAL: People that have known me for years say my personality hasn’t changed, and in some ways they are correct, but in reality my personality is an exaggeration of my old self. What that means is all the good (and bad) points of my personality are somewhat intensified. I am still outgoing and fun loving, yet situations of over stimulation, confusion, or just feeling overwhelmed can start a chain reaction that seems to put me in a downward spiral cognitively and then emotionally. The injury it’s self is just the beginning. What happens next is a series of events or co-exiting conditions, because of the injury. Ok, that didn’t make a lot of sense to me, so I can image it didn't to you, so I’ll try to explain. The injury damages areas of the brain and some recovery will take place, but more often then not, there are residual cognitive impairments and/or mental health issues that subsequently affect you emotionally. For me, I think the hardest thing to deal with emotionally is the fact that most everyone I know grew up and moved on. Although some of them are having a rough time in this economy, most have families and live pretty productive lives. I try not to sit on a pity pot, but its lonely living with a brain injury; and the older I get, I really do want the things that I don’t have.......a family of my own. I’ve said before; part of the problem is people rarely ‘see’ my disabilities. I’m not too sure anyone really cares how these “invisible injuries” affect the person who lives with them, but maybe by reading my site you’ll gain a little more insight. At least I hope so anyway.

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