February 2002

I said that I will continue to update this site to let others know the stages of my recovery, hopefully this site may help someone else understand a little bit more about brain injuries and their effect on a person’s life. It has become more difficult for me to update my story, you see it’s hard for me to see the improvements as much as I could before, they are not as big or noticeable. In the beginning when I had to learn to walk again it was a big deal and I could easily see the difference. Now the recovery is slow and not as dramatic it seems to be a lot of fine-tuning and rebuilding of my life. It has now been 19 months since my accident. I am still in the process of recovering my life it seems to be a continual battle that I am still determined to win! There have been some very bumpy roads emotionally but my motivation is still intact.

PHYSICAL: The physical issues are still a problem. My walking is much better, but still off balance, a little slow and stiff. I spend hours at the gym it has become one of my favorite pass times. I am gaining flexibility and building muscle mass, I finally feel like my body is starting to look like it used to, and if I may say so it’s not too bad! I still have not been able to run, but I keep pushing for the day that I can. I ride my bike and walk a lot, I bet I walked 10 miles the past few days during Mardi Gras! I still have major control problems with my left hand and arm my fine motor skills are just not getting much better. As I learn to compensate and do more with my right hand then I seem to loose more of the function in my left hand. The old saying “use it or loose it” well it’s true!

I can tie my shoes, zip my clothes and things like that, one handed, but when it comes to things you need both hands for, like cutting food, my left hand it just won’t do what I want it to! I am going to the Spain Rehabilitation Hospital, which is part of The University of Alabama Birmingham. They have some of the best specialists in the south and a wonderful head injury program. I have been accepted into a research project that will study the effects of constraint therapy. This study will last 3 weeks and will force me to only use my left hand and arm. The hopes are, by doing this it will help “wake-up” the area of my brain that was injured and in doing so help me regain more use of my entire left side. It is very hard to find proven treatments for brain injuries my Mom spends hours on the computer researching the possibilities. There is new medical information and treatments being developed all the time, but not all the doctors or therapists know about them or because of the expense, don’t recommend them. There are many teaching universities that are doing research and at times are looking for people to take part in the studies. The insurance companies don’t want to pay thousands of dollars for new treatments, so sometimes a little creativity can get you more help.

VISION: My eyes are still getting better; proof of this is I had to get new glasses! My prescription has changed again! I insist that it’s the “Beach Therapy” that’s helping but no one believes me! The Hooter’s girls think it’s because of the hours I spend there! LOL........I don’t ware my glasses all the time; I think it helps exercise them by making the muscles stronger or maybe it’s that four letter word again, T-I-M-E. I still can not cry, tears come to my eyes when I yawn or get something in them and I feel the emotion of wanting to cry but just can’t!

VOICE: People tell me my voice is getting much better, it’s kind of funny I have two voices. The one that comes out naturally without thinking about it, it’s very deep, sometimes flat and my words get kind of jumbled. My second voice is the one that sounds more like my old voice, I have to remind myself to “lift” my pitch and really think about tone and word pronunciation. It’s really hard to explain but I have to work at this one, kind of the difference between your normal voice and trying to whisper. Try it and you’ll see you really have to work at it! In having normal conversation I have so much to think about already that my voice reverts to the deep one. I still get ignored in many conversations; people seem to think that if your voice is slow or not quite right then your stupid and your opinions don’t count. I get pissed when others don’t listen to me, I have plenty to say and I want people to hear it!

COGNITIVE ISSUES: I had told you before that my memory is very good, we have found something that is rather interesting, since my speed of processing is still off, my memory recall takes a bit longer process. We found this out by a common test that is given by therapists to check short-term memory ability. A story is read, then I am asked to tell the therapist everything I can remember about the story, well it seems I can’t tell them as many details as I really know! That is right away I can’t, but if they wait about an hour I can tell them twice as many details as I could before! STRANGE HUH? There are many things that are different about me, although in some respects my personality has not changed that much, how I react to things and how other people react to me has changed a great deal! It’s very hard, in one sense I’m the same and in another I feel so different. I’m louder and much more verbal sometimes drawing attention to myself. My mother reminded me the other day that I’ve always been the center of attraction, but before my friends thought it was funny or cute and now people seem to be embarrassed by it, at times so am I!

MY TIME: Much of my time is spent driving around, visiting friends, shooting pool, and going to school. Yes I started school! I’m taking one math class at the local junior college. I figured I better try and get back into it slowly so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed and so far I’m doing pretty good! I hope that I will be able to handle more classes and eventually go full time. I would like to get a degree in Physical Therapy and work with children. Another benefit of being a student is I get to work out at the college gym, it’s nice to be around people, my own age, and gain confidence amongst my peers. Filling my time is a big problem I was always used to having plenty to do! There are people who think it must be nice to be retired at the age of 24, well it’s NOT! I get bored very easily I’m not sure if it’s from being impulsive or because I used to have so many things that filled my time.

There are times I feel useless, I want to be able to work once again and build a career for my “New Life”. I wake up very early in the morning, about 5:30, do the normal household chores, then go to the school around 7:00 for my morning work out. I spend a couple of hours before my class watching the girls; I pretend I’m studying but anyone who knows me knows the real deal. Then it’s off to class at 10:00, and after class it’s oh well, what do I do now? Go home eat lunch, shoot pool, watch TV, get on the computer, take a drive, etc. Since my last update my driving got better and better and I figured it was time to buy a new car. I did last November and it fits me perfectly! An ARMY Green, 2002 Trailblazer, It’s dressed with Army Airborne stickers and is pretty well known around town. I spend allot of time driving, I mean A LOT (over 9,000 miles in three months)! I drive to the beach many times a week. The beach seems to be a place where I can think and take the time to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going. I don’t know what it is about watching girls, in thong bathing suits, it seems to give me direction in my life!

EMOTIONAL: I have a keen sense of other people’s feelings, I think I always did but before it didn’t seem to matter to me as much. When someone shows any reaction of disappointment or disgust I get hurt or angry. I may cover it up with a joke or say I don’t care but inside I really do. I use laughter all the time; it has become a defense mechanism I use it to make other people feel more comfortable and I use it to hide my hurt. I’ve been to hell and back and I’m fighting to have everyone understand. I feel like I have something to prove all the time, I want to make sure everyone knows that I used to be popular, I was an athlete, and I had a lot of friends and girlfriends. Everything about me is still a comparison to how I used to be. I’m told over and over that as I build my “new life” that will change but so far I’m just not content. Some say I’m in denial, well NO, I’m NOT! I know my condition I live with it! I will only get better if I continue to work at it, accepting my current condition will remove the motivation it takes to deal with it and push on! I know it seems as if everything I say is a contradiction, well I guess it is, you see it really is a roller coaster! This is a ride I never wanted to get on and the problem is this ride doesn’t end!

In light of the September 11th events I am more determined than ever to never take life for granted. My pride towards my fellow servicemen, and women has never changed, and now more than ever I dream for the possibility of my returning to the Army. General Shinseki, Chief of Staff of the Army, sent me a personal letter and a challenge coin. I wear a "dream catcher" which holds my coin, it reminds me no matter the outcome of my injury, I will always be a soldier and part of The Army. The Army values have continued to boost my moral and encourage me, as Americans let us never forget! LOYALTY, DUTY, RESPECT, SELFLESS SERVICE, HONOR, INTEGRITY & PERSONAL COURAGE

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